Commercial Break (Sort of)

From Facebook 2012-02-28:

The Return of Canis Doofus

About 22 hours after disappearing he returned. Dog tired, he laid down on his side panting like he’d been going all night. The only signs beyond extreme exhaustion was that he was wet. (He’s a yellow lab golden retriever, notorious water dogs and he came from the general direction of the lake).

Between digging holes like he’s looking for the Batcave (“Wrong address,” I tell him; I think he’s hunting and eating field mice), he behaves like a normal dog.

But last night, suddenly (third night in a row) unable to sleep, I went to check in on him around 2, 2:30.

Before I could do that, I had to quickly re-enact not one, but two, scenes from the movies. First, I walked right into a Brown Recluse’s web (*brown leather jacket*, baseball cap and glasses mitigated the results), followed by the reflexive removal of said spider from the land of the living with my shoe (unlike Sean Connery, I did not vomit afterwards…of course I couldn’t see what I smashed and it was much smaller than the one that crawled on his bed).

Finally saying hello to this little idiotic fuzzy-faced monster, I heard what initially sounded like a siren. Then seven or eight more joined in. It was a bizarre sound, that many canines howling like that in a sonic swirl, high-pitched and hypnotic. Doofus howled, barked and took off to join them.

In between being a dog, he’s running with a local coyote pack. No wonder he came back so tired and was gone so long.

He has not returned since.

Eaten by the coyotes who tricked him into joining them? Possibly. If they failed to take down a deer or whatever they were chasing, well, there’s that big, stupid outsider who thinks he’s one of them. Tired, he’d been vulnerable.

Or did he find a place where the food is easier and more plentiful? Doesn’t seem likely. Could be hydrophobia, though…

(Or, for that matter, has he been reassigned to Station K, Kentucky? Not that far away).

In any case, you can see the narratives, right?

That I have a neighbor who is apparently a private “threat assessor” for our beloved, not-at-all-overly-paranoid guberment, well. (Was it really that tub-o’-lard I saw riding that straining golf cart or dune buggy or whatever? Sweet! Typical redneck. Nice to know our national security is in such capable inbred hands. After all, it’s a good gig for Jethro to sit around making s*** up about ‘them thar Muslins’. Keeps him in beer and chicks and that’s all that matters, right?

A girl can’t even take a shower without it being interrupted whether it’s Brooklyn or anywhere else. Really! Check out this exclusive footage.




  1. […] another variant, the dogs are “joining” coyote packs (like Canis Doofus seemed to do). I use the quotes because it is my belief that they likely mate with dogs and then turn on and eat […]

  2. […] I left Minneapolis and headed back to Tennessee in November of 2011. Of that, I have written some. I even wrote about some of this dog’s other actions here. […]

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