Justifications (Updated)


(Added a few notes in parenthesis, made some minor revisions).

Just finished a novel. It’s a psychological thriller along the lines of The Silence of the Lambs except a lot scarier. Probably the most scary book I’ve ever read. I found myself both strongly desiring to put it down and continue reading at the same time. The writer is to be commended for causing such a cognitive dissonance.

(Should be noted that the novel’s basis is around the neuroscience understanding at the time it was written combined with a look at where future trends were headed. It’s not born of pure fluffy imagination. The concepts are centered around current theory).

Toward the end, the main character is forced to feel a sense of well-being a la brainhacking. He feels this way and so manufactures justifications for the horrible things that have occurred. This feeling of well-being supersedes bonds of love, family, what we call decency, etc.

So it was in 2005 for me one weekend in Indianapolis. I have covered that already on this blog, but it was some time ago, so here it is in brief again. A former Navy translator of Russian turned attorney named Anthony Gipe inserted himself into my social group at GenCon Indy. (There is a photo of us having dinner at P.F.Chang’s on Facebook.) His cover story was interest in my friend Thomas. Yet, he spent most of his time talking to me. Within several hours of out last discussion over dinner, I was suddenly feeling drunk without the loss of motor function. Judgment clearly was clouded. As I had no reason then to suspect anything amiss, assuming this new feeling was normal, I was not being terribly self-aware. I hit on someone. Nothing happened. But I was bizarrely giddy. After the feeling passed, I chalked it up to lack of sleep. “Punchy”, I think people refer to it as. But it was odd because, you may have noticed, I tend toward being loyal to people close to me and this was a betrayal of my partner of about ten years at this point.

As I also noted, I recall having that feeling again one day a few weeks or so later, but it passed quickly.

And then it returned on or about December 19, 2009. It was so intense that I had what I will call almost wet dreams. Just nearly to that point.

(And all of that without the need to hold my skull in place and use a special MRI, which is how it is basically done in the novel. We are beyond the need that, at least for altering some behaviors.)

This continued for weeks. The relationship starting to get rocky, the weird psyops and harassment going on, the Squidgate situation, etc. all somehow seemed a bit unreal. Everything was going to be fine. I could feel it.

Further, I recall spending a few hours sort of in love with one person or other. I think I once described the feeling as if rose petals are flying out of your heart. There is no pain. This is also what helped me to start running and working out after getting separated from my job. The harassment was often viewed as elaborate hoaxes. Humorous, typically, despite the sometimes very serious undertones.

When the event at the deli finally occurred in early January, as I said, it took some time before I even thought about it much again. It wasn’t until a more clear death threat (the one at McDonalds) followed by what I described as shock, followed by laughter and a sense of well-being again that it suddenly made fake sense: I was clearly in love with that person (who, as I said, doesn’t actually exist; there was something fake about that whole interaction) and because the feeling was so strong, it was clearly “meant to be”, had to be reciprocal.

Thoughts suddenly came to explain why I felt that way before laying eyes on him. Perhaps unconsciously I had seen him before, but merely forgotten the quick exchange that had occurred. Heck, maybe he and I shared a psychic bond. There were times when I could “feel” what he was feeling, “think” what he was thinking. (Those all turned out to be more phony use of the V2K or whatever. It all got cut off abruptly in May or June 2010, implying he “is not coming” because he is dead; see again short story “Ground Control” and recall I wrote previously that “He’s not coming” was delivered in S****’s voice a few times. Attempt again to provoke suicide or violence).

Also, a former boss and mentor had often noted that it wasn’t until you entered your 40s that you really knew what it was you wanted to do with your life, so there was also a sense of purpose: I could help undo some of the “mistakes” made in over-reacting to 9/11, for example. It could all be done peacefully because we’re all human, have the same emotions, etc. It “felt” right.

(This bizarre euphoria/sense of well-being in the face of disaster started to die down in 2011, I forget when exactly.)

The point being, this is how emotion affects thought. Feeling a certain way makes you then run around and justify it with reasons after the fact. (And of course, some of those justifications came via voice-to-skull).

(Yes, it’s probable that sometimes thoughts precede emotions as well. The point is, when that emotion is so overwhelming and you are not aware that it has an external source, you look for reasons why you feel that way. Conversely, I expect that intrusive thoughts probably lead to certain emotions or force disconnects from them. That’s the theory behind brainwashing, isn’t it? To program someone to think and feel the way you want. Torture is one way to alter personality. Altering brain chemistry directly is another. Do either for long enough and you have rewired the victim’s brain.)

(Now imagine if instead of euphoria, love, well-being, you use fear, hate, loathing. Coupled with propaganda pointing you at the cause, you have your wing extremes, people who shout at town hall meetings over things like healthcare, which would actually benefit them, over stupid things while their homes, social security and retirement funds disappear. Just jiggle the racist/xenophobic module in the brain. Instant Tea Party.)

The power of positive thinking did not bring in a not guilty verdict in the Squidgate trial. Nor did it bring peace, forgiveness and understanding between the parties involved. Nor did it bring that non-existent person to my door, nor I to his. Nor has it stopped, for example (I still maintain it’s among the least bad transgressions in the IC), FBI doing the planning, training, cajoling and providing of material support for planned terrorist attacks inside the United States. Nor has it stopped this entire mad program of creating chaos in order to justify budgets and further removal of privacy and civil liberties.

As I said, the game is fixed. The only way to unfix it is to show the wires, look up the sleeve, drag the bastards behind the curtain out by their pantslegs and expose them. Otherwise, accept slavery (perhaps accompanied by an artificial feeling of well-being) as a way of life for the 99%. Because that is where this is going.

I’ll just add that if they could trick me into being that deeply in love with someone I thought I saw in a deli for 45 seconds, then how hard do you think it will be to do that on a massive scale with someone who has a lot of media exposure? I would point to some of the very odd (bordering on pornographic) statements made by conservative fans of Sarah Palin, but I found them difficult to take seriously.

We all have justifications. I said this before recently too but will repeat it. I would have preferred this all had not happened, that it was all a long nightmare I could wake up from. Failing that, I would have preferred that one person was responsible. You know, like one rogue NSA agent.

Those are wishful thinking conclusions. They do not fit the facts. That the truth (as I have presented it) is so incredibly difficult to wrestle with and so undesirable should be an indication that it is not what I want at all and therefore is not a product of wishful thinking. It is the sum total of what I have witnessed, experienced, and inferred from reading the historical record.

Painful. Frightening. Enormous in scope. And yet must be dealt with. Or simply accepted. Which is it to be, folks?

One thing I kind of admired when I saw a Canadian conservative on TV the other night. His honesty. He made no bones about it. He as much as said he just doesn’t care about the poor. He’s a complete vulture capitalist and did not apologize for it, did not try to hide it behind straw men arguments based around someone else’s sexual preference or other social issues that had absolutely nothing to do with, for example, cutting social programs. That, at least, made things clear. Honesty and it’s ugly head.


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