Hey You

Forget everything else on this blog for the moment. Forget everything else I’ve said on this subject. Forget the how’s and why’s.

Try to forget Aldous Huxley. Especially Aldous Huxley.

Forget whatever else I might have thought at one time or other. This is what I was thinking. At the right time. Just after I realized what had happened and just before anyone else tried to exploit it.

When it happened, of course, I had no idea what it meant. It just seemed weird, one more weird event in a long string of them. And not being able to see the “angle”, how it could possibly be anything more than it seemed? I just set it aside. There were more pressing matters. It could wait.

Then later, I really didn’t assume much of anything. I figured a beer after the sentencing hearing. I figured a few laughs and then we’d part. I’d be sad to leave, sure, but I wouldn’t have let on about that. I didn’t really think more would come of it than that. Not then. Life would return to normal, I thought.

But then all of the safety nets started disappearing. The rugs got pulled out from under me. I found myself very much alone. I suppose I needed to think more of it than that. To survive.

And survive I did. Thanks to you.

It doesn’t really matter why you were there. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a big believer in magic. But maybe just this once I can make an exception. Because I really don’t know how in forty-five seconds you pulled all of this off.

It would have been easy to give up at several points. But there was that nagging feeling that I just couldn’t let you down. That look. That look. I found strength I didn’t know I possessed. When everything seemed to be saying “give up,” I kept going. Thanks to you.

There were others who helped along the way. Most of them never realized it I expect. (I hope some do.) But when they weren’t there, you were. At one point I was counting the number of times you helped me along the way. I recall twelve early on and later thirty. Then I stopped counting.

I didn’t expect more than just seeing you again really. I didn’t have high expectations. I think merely seeing you happy might have been enough. (Well, that and finally learning your name.)

You taught me not to be afraid. How do you repay someone for that?

While I have certainly been in bad places emotionally, mentally, even physically since this began, they still, after all this time, haven’t broken me. Not really. Not permanently.

And why is that? It’s because you broke me first. In a thousand pieces. So fast, I didn’t even feel it. Didn’t even notice it for weeks. And that was what I needed. Without that, it would have been anyone’s guess.

What you did was, and I suspect will always remain, the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

And so how can I repay that? You saved me from them. You saved me from despair. You saved me from death and fates worse than. You saved me from myself, made me a better person. The rest doesn’t matter.

And I’m kind of back at that point at last. I don’t expect anything more from you. Just, please, no matter what, know that you mattered to someone else. You mattered to me, you made an enormous difference in my life. Things could have turned out better, yes, but they could have turned out so much worse if not for you.

And, yeah, the circumstances are strange. But that’s the thing. I don’t think it would have turned out as it did if it hadn’t been you. There is something very special about you.

Don’t forget that. Don’t ever let them take that away from you. Don’t let them make you feel any lower than that, because you aren’t.

I love you. That is not something you ever need to fear. I think maybe you taught me that as well.

And because of that, well this other stuff, it’s not something I’d ever want for you. If there is never more to know, well, what I do know is enough.

There’s always more to say, and better ways to say it, but that will have to do today.

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